5 Lesson from The Good Life Retreat
What happens when you gather a group of strangers together for a week.
In 2022, I hosted my inaugural The Good Life Retreat, then decided to do another one in 2023, and this year will host two more in the Fall. Originally, I wanted to host retreats as travel experiences with like-minded people and share the lessons of living the good life and finding joie de vivre like the French. However, I’m not sure I was fully prepared for what these experiences would teach ME. I thought it would be lovely to reflect and share five important takeaways from past retreats to think about and discuss. #1 and #5 are my absolute favorite, though.
Also before you start reading, there is one spot left due to a guest unfortunately having to drop out for an emergency. Please reach out to me if you are available and interested or forward this to someone you know who could use this joyful experience.
“Growing up, I never knew a relaxed woman. Successful women? Yes. Productive women? Plenty. Anxious and afraid and apologetic women? Heaps of them. But relaxed women? At-ease women? Women who don’t dissect their days into half-hour slots of productivity? Women who prioritize rest and pleasure and play? Women who aren’t afraid to take up space in the world? Women who give themselves unconditional permission to relax? Without guilt? Without apology? Without feeling like they need to earn it? I’m not sure I’ve ever met a woman like that. But I would like to become one.” - Nicola Jane Hobbs
#1. We need to remind ourselves and the world what rest looks like for women.
At dinner, we like to have themed discussions, play games, or go around and let everyone answer a question about themselves. It facilitates meaningful and fun discussions at a table where strangers from around the world come together to get to know one another.
One evening I asked, “What inspired you to join this retreat.” Last year T* said something that blew my mind. She shared that recently, becoming a stepmother made her realize she wanted to learn to relax. Growing up, she had never known her mother to be relaxed and wanted to be different for her children. T’s mother was sitting next to her. While this sounds like it could’ve been awkward, it wasn’t. Her mother didn’t seem hurt or surprised. We asked T’s mother how she felt about this. She responded that she understood how her daughter could feel this way since a child only seems to see a mother who is always planning, moving, organizing, worrying, scolding, and seeming exhausted. However, what her daughters couldn’t understand was that she wanted to make sure her kids got to travel and experience life so she had to do all those things that didn’t look like a woman lounging around reading books and sipping on rosé around the pool.
You can't even imagine when I tell you this conversation sparked a deep and emotional discussion around the table. Everyone, including the mothers, the motherless, the single moms, and the single ladies, had something to say about this. What does a relaxed woman truly look like? What should a relaxed woman look like?
The conclusion that I came to is somewhere in the middle and can look different in various scenarios for different women. Maybe like T’s mom, sometimes a woman needs to be moving, shaking, and planning to get to a trip in Provence. Maybe she wants to go with her kids or solo but absolutely away from work and daily responsibilities and it is there that she can relax. There she doesn’t need to cook any meals or wash any dishes. There she might not do any grocery shopping, meal planning, or laundry. There she might lay by the pool or feel delight in discovering a new town. There she might feel the joy of new flavors and new people. There she finds herself relaxed, inspired and surrounded by beauty and culture that bring her joie. She is modeling joy for her kids or her community and sharing life and experiences that she wants other to have and learn from. Maybe some women can only relax on vacation? (But if I am being honest, with small kids…vacation is not at all always relaxing.)
I love the above quote by Nicola Jane Hobbs because it immediately makes me ask myself if I am that unrelaxed woman. Are the women around me like this? Also, why are most women like this? Was my mother this way, too, before she died? But mostly, I love it because it inspires and challenges me to make sure that I can still be a mover and shaker while striving to show my kids and friends what a relaxed woman can be. Somedays, I think that I do a horrible job at being relaxed, but I am surrounded by friends who remind me that I am pretty OK at this goal. I think it’s enough to just keep trying. I want to try to be this way year-round and not only when I am on vacation. What are your thoughts on this for yourself, your mother, or the women around you?
#2. Our souls truly do collide at the table.
I am often asked why I love entertaining or why my business is centered around the table. The main reason I repeat is that I believe that our souls collide at the table. It’s a place where our past, present, future, desires-known and unknown, hearts, delights, sorrows, etc… meet for a meal. Sometimes, nothing has to be vocally said for so much to be shared and passed around the table.
At each retreat, strangers from all over the world sit together at restaurants and tables in the house to talk. Sometimes, it’s as simple as sharing your delight after having what you discover is your first cup of real chocolat chaud, hot chocolate, or a deep round-the-table laugh playing a game about guessing each other’s celebrity crushes based on personality types. Maybe it’s shedding tears over the beauty of a table setting or the recent loss of someone you love.
The beauty of sitting around tables with guests on these retreats can sometimes be the quietest person later telling me how much these daily meals touched their hearts. I love watching past guests stay in touch and visit one another in France, the UK, and the USA.
#3: We have to seek out joy in spite of [ fill in the blank].
Something else I have learned from gathering around tables on the retreat is a deep desire or need to experience joy in spite of what is going on in the world around us and in our personal lives. This profound longing can’t always be satisfied by distractions or ignoring what is currently causing these stressors; sometimes, it requires us to draw close to something that is a source of joy itself.
As C.S. Lewis wisely noted, and that I will repeat in another article, “If you want joy, power, peace, eternal life, you must get close to, or even into, the thing that has them.” Just as he points out, we have to stand near fire to feel warm or enter water to get wet. Immersion in a retreat all about joie and living a good life is like entering into the source to get the joy you need that you can savor and use time and time again.
Our feeds and the news cycle constantly spew out bad news, triggers, and suffering. Days and weeks are easily jam-packed with epic to-do lists. It’s easy to overlook the need to nurture ourselves or to feel guilty about seeking pleasures while others suffer.
I have noticed that many past guests were going through something or just wanted to drown out the negativity online or suffering. They consciously chose to seek out and embrace this experience that would bring light and joy into their lives. For some, it was a reminder or a learning experience. I was shocked when guests told me they chose this retreat specifically because it wasn’t asking them to do yoga every day or cook meals every day when they were tired of doing that at home. They were happy just to take a moment to feel joy for a week day in and day out. They were seeking to enrich their lives and take the experience back home as a source of joy they could constantly draw upon.
#4: Pivots, changes, and transformations are all a part of life’s journey.
One thing that almost all guests have in common is that they have either gone through, are going through, or are considering a pivot, change, or transformation. Lord knows I have fearlessly and fearfully pivoted many times in this life, but I’m also deeply afraid and often traumatized by transitions. They bring about so much stress, anxiety, and prolonged periods in the emotional valley. These retreats reminded me that pivots and transformations are a perfectly normal part of life.
#5: Every host’s repertoire should have a tarte soleil recipe**.
During the retreat, we visit my friends Cindy and Nicky Mackintosh, from
Domain de la Récolte, who welcome us with the most extravagant spread. Someone (cough…me) always gets teary-eyed at the beauty and design of their home and the table. After breakfast chats, we head off to the garden to pick fruits, vegetables, and herbs. Then we get busy singing, talking, and cooking in her dreamy kitchen. Last year, they taught us how to make a tart soleil with homemade olive tapenade.
Since the retreat, I have remade that tarte on trips with groups of friends using pesto, a sun-dried tomato dip, and various types of tapenade. The possibilities of what you can spread inside are endless and it looks incredibly impressive on a table for guests.
*I haven’t used any former guest’s real names, only scrambled initials.
** I know you will probably ask me for a recipe but I am not a recipe writer so follow Domaine de la Récolte on Instagram and maybe she will share the recipe.
Just a reminder that we have one spot left for the retreat this Fall so reach out or forward this to a friend who would truly enjoy this experience. More information on the dedicated retreat page here.
I haven’t been on the retreat but all of this resonates ! It feels like the very discussions we have at the table among friends (our extended families). And it’s always illuminating.
Practicing peace. Something I wish my mother even knew of. Love you.